All I wanted was a friend. Period.

Reading the blog entry of a former student, Pau Z., I was reminded of a time I longed for a friend. Her criteria detailed what she needed and why she needed them. On top of her list was her need for human warmth. The reason? "Ang lamig kasi eh...Wahahahaha."  Then there was my favorite - "Kelangan ko din ng kakampi! Lalo na pag tama ako. Pero gusto ko din nang babatukan ako pag mali ako, pero kakampihan pa rin ako. Haha!"

I have had friends from all ages, beliefs, and walks of life. Some of my friendships had been formed only because I chose to ignore some unwritten societal rules. I am grateful for friends who have been in my life since forever. I have grieved over but have recovered from some who have chosen to leave without a word. At my age, I thought having a constant, ever-by-my-side friend shouldn't matter anymore because one learns to be self-sufficient for most needs, even emotional ones.

But then I realized that I missed having someone listen to my insane ideas and not think of them as potential material for the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of DIsorders (DSM). When I felt all ugly inside and wanted to draw blood, I realized how hard it was to to thrash the enemy all by myself. But mostly, I just wanted someone to hang out with so we could banter over "wala lang" matters.

With that aura encircling me, someone from long ago resurfaced in my life. Way back when I was young and innocent, he thought there could be a romantic possibility between the two us. As far as I was concerned, that possibility could only be described as remote. He had made his presence felt a few times in the last few years and it was always in the guise of renewing friendships. Although reminiscing about his feelings in the past occupied much of what he talked about on occasions that we met, my need for someone to fulfill the criteria above seemed louder than the ringing of warning bells. I quelled my reluctance by constantly reminding him about the grounds on which this relationship stood.

Assured that the terms of our friendship were well understood, I lost all qualms about hanging out with him a couple of times. But this proved to be one more life-changing mistake for me. What for me was just an innocent (see, there's still that word!) coffee chit-chat after a stressful day looked like a signal for him to venture once again beyond friendship. This I realized after getting into a heated discussion with him over his frank declarations of affection and attempts to display this. He was upset that I would not respect his feelings for me and could not understand why I thought they had no place in our so-called friendship .

It was hard to accept that I had been naive to believe that the rules I lived by could not be appreciated by all. Close, heterosexual friendships, while a significant part of me since my youth, were not default mode for most people. So it seems that my agreeing to hang out with him had been misunderstood as whatever he thought it was (but was not)!

I have not spoken with him since he hurled insulting remarks at me. Attempts from him to reconnect have been foiled by this now wiser woman. I'm guessing he will never change, anyway.

Have I found the friend I was seeking? Wala pa rin. But looking at my list once again,  I thought to myself, "Kaya namang gawin lahat ito ng asawa ko ah. Ba't ba ako naghahanap pa ng ibang kaibigan? But then again, after sharing this realization with some people, we came to the conclusion that ... Iba pa rin ang asawa sa kaibigan! 

And so the search continues ...