(Isinulat noong Nobyembre 2008, sa gitna ng lubos na pagkalito sa kinahahantungan ng pagbabalik ng ating pagkakaibigan.)
Mula sa karimlan, muling nagbalik
Pagtanggap may pag-aalinlangan
Mula sa putikan, muling lumitaw
Hinugasang, nagbagong kalooban
Kung kaibigan ang turing
Yayakapin,Walang pagdududa, walang pangamba
Ngunit kapag katagang may hibla ng pag-ibig, sinasambit
At bahid ng nagdaan ipinaalala
Inog ng puso ko'y naiiba.
Umuusbong na pagtitiwala, nabubura.
Ano nga ba ang iyong nararamdaman?
Ano nga ba ang iyong ninanasa?
Tila di mag-aabot ating mga pangangailangan
Tila di magkakatapat, inaasam mula sa isa't-isa.
Hindi ko alam kung dapat pang magpatuloy
Itong pag-aalinlangan, pagtataka, pagtatanong
Kung ako'y lumayo
Sagot ba ito upang maibalik ang kapanatagan,
Manahan, katahimikan ng kalooban?
Ano nga ba, Luna, kaibigan
Ang tunay na kasagutan?
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Sunday, January 22, 2023
Monday, June 11, 2012
Mediterranean kitchen
We had Mediterranean food and best-in-the-world ice cream in Fr. Ronnie's kitchen in his parish. Good food + good friends + good conversation = great time!
Monday, April 23, 2012
CSSP Araw ng Pagkilala 2012
Here we are in our official graduation regalia - with the official University Sablay. No stifingly hot academic gowns for us!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My Lounge family
These pictures were taken for the Mandala 2011 yearbook. In the picture are some of the people closest to me in the Psych department. Though they probably consider me as their Nanay on account of our age differences, I feel like they're my BFFs. They keep me young with unrepressed laughter! Love you, guys!!!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Still incomplete
For my sister, Ling, who always provides me the biggest pieces in this evolving thing...
Many of us through life looking for that single, perfect person who will make us happy, make us whole. We go around looking vulnerable, showing the gaping hole in our hearts, thinking that someone special out there has the power to stop the bleeding. Maybe it will be a guru who will provide all the answers to our life questions. Or a soul-mate who will always be in sync with our thoughts and will rejoice in our shared idiosyncracies. Or the love of one's life who will feed our desires and provide the reasons for bliss and contentment. And of course, many of us, if not all, end up disappointed in this impossible quest.
In my fading years, I can say with utmost certainty that we can never rely on any one person to make us complete. Aside from holes in our heart and spirit which call for mending, parts of us were never with us to begin with. I think that one purpose of life is to find those missing pieces in our family, our friends, and maybe that one great love. Those who love us unconditionally, those who reject us, and those who can no longer be part of our lives - all of them have given us something to make us whole. The search for completion goes on all throughout our lives. The journey ends only when we, and no one else, decide that we are done.
Many of us through life looking for that single, perfect person who will make us happy, make us whole. We go around looking vulnerable, showing the gaping hole in our hearts, thinking that someone special out there has the power to stop the bleeding. Maybe it will be a guru who will provide all the answers to our life questions. Or a soul-mate who will always be in sync with our thoughts and will rejoice in our shared idiosyncracies. Or the love of one's life who will feed our desires and provide the reasons for bliss and contentment. And of course, many of us, if not all, end up disappointed in this impossible quest.
In my fading years, I can say with utmost certainty that we can never rely on any one person to make us complete. Aside from holes in our heart and spirit which call for mending, parts of us were never with us to begin with. I think that one purpose of life is to find those missing pieces in our family, our friends, and maybe that one great love. Those who love us unconditionally, those who reject us, and those who can no longer be part of our lives - all of them have given us something to make us whole. The search for completion goes on all throughout our lives. The journey ends only when we, and no one else, decide that we are done.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
WMG Friends
Taken during the celebration for WIlfrido Ma. Guerrero's 100th birthday on January 22, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Another formula for forgiveness
The loss of very close friends of mine continue to haunt me even after many years. Although I am constantly reminded by well-meaning people that time heals all wounds, I still cannot get to that place where what happened no longer matters. That might be because I have not learned to forgive them for the pain of not knowing what it is I did or did not do to deserve what they put me through.Lately though, I've imagined myself forgiving them, saying "Ok na ako. Ok na rin sana kayo!" I've abandoned my idea that in order for a person to be forgiven, he or she must acknowledge his or her wrongdoing and apologize for it. It is highly unlikely to happen so why should my soul suffer over someone else's inability to show remorse? Maybe I did deserve to be severed from their lives. Who knows?!
This realization is probably ten years too late but hey, those were really big and deep wounds! Taking baby steps now but I have my whole life ahead of me for making peace with my universe. For now, "Wherever you are, I forgive you!"
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Shifting of Light
I was seated on one of the wooden benches on DAP taking in this beautiful sight on a just-right cool day in Tagaytay when I noticed that the light on the lawn would change from minute to minute. First, the sun was bright and intense on the ground, then suddenly the light softened, and then the colors of the trees and grass would glow again. It was like someone up there was playfully folding and unfolding a giant umbrella over the area where I was. Looking up, I noticed a flurry of clouds move from the end of the sky farthest from me towards the direction over my head. Sometimes, the clouds took a lazy pace, taking their own sweet time to traverse the distance. But when I chose to pay close attention, up there was a spread of feathery clouds that seemed to be racing to get to a finish line. And that was when I realized how flimsy-looking clouds can reduce the intensity of the light and heat of the sun. Even for a fleeting moment, that which signified Life seemed to have surrendered its power to the seemingly weightless combination of water and air. It was a free-form dance of nature's elements which delighted my senses at that moment and rekindled memories of Clouds in my life!
There have been friends who have provided me shade when the Sun had almost burned holes in my heart. They have banished fears and soothed my pain, even if just for a while. They are now gone from my life but were there when it mattered.
I guess that I too have trekked through the skies to give friends respite from the heat. It would have made me happy to stay. But clouds can only obey the wind that urges them to move on. To where they will matter.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Happy Birthday, Winnie!
Joined high school classmates in Subic to help celebrate Winnie's birthday.
July 25, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
In Trellis...before Check Republic!
Thank God for my lunch buddies! Our hour-long or so inanities keep me sane!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
YouTube - SJCHS Batch 1973
Thanks to the hard work and thoughtfulness of our high school classmate, Evangeline Hernaez-Legasto, we now have a digital copy of our high school yearbook. You're awesome, Ivan!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
All I wanted was a friend. Period.
Reading the blog entry of a former student, Pau Z., I was reminded of a time I longed for a friend. Her criteria detailed what she needed and why she needed them. On top of her list was her need for human warmth. The reason? "Ang lamig kasi eh...Wahahahaha." Then there was my favorite - "Kelangan ko din ng kakampi! Lalo na pag tama ako. Pero gusto ko din nang babatukan ako pag mali ako, pero kakampihan pa rin ako. Haha!"
I have had friends from all ages, beliefs, and walks of life. Some of my friendships had been formed only because I chose to ignore some unwritten societal rules. I am grateful for friends who have been in my life since forever. I have grieved over but have recovered from some who have chosen to leave without a word. At my age, I thought having a constant, ever-by-my-side friend shouldn't matter anymore because one learns to be self-sufficient for most needs, even emotional ones.
But then I realized that I missed having someone listen to my insane ideas and not think of them as potential material for the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of DIsorders (DSM). When I felt all ugly inside and wanted to draw blood, I realized how hard it was to to thrash the enemy all by myself. But mostly, I just wanted someone to hang out with so we could banter over "wala lang" matters.
With that aura encircling me, someone from long ago resurfaced in my life. Way back when I was young and innocent, he thought there could be a romantic possibility between the two us. As far as I was concerned, that possibility could only be described as remote. He had made his presence felt a few times in the last few years and it was always in the guise of renewing friendships. Although reminiscing about his feelings in the past occupied much of what he talked about on occasions that we met, my need for someone to fulfill the criteria above seemed louder than the ringing of warning bells. I quelled my reluctance by constantly reminding him about the grounds on which this relationship stood.
Assured that the terms of our friendship were well understood, I lost all qualms about hanging out with him a couple of times. But this proved to be one more life-changing mistake for me. What for me was just an innocent (see, there's still that word!) coffee chit-chat after a stressful day looked like a signal for him to venture once again beyond friendship. This I realized after getting into a heated discussion with him over his frank declarations of affection and attempts to display this. He was upset that I would not respect his feelings for me and could not understand why I thought they had no place in our so-called friendship .
It was hard to accept that I had been naive to believe that the rules I lived by could not be appreciated by all. Close, heterosexual friendships, while a significant part of me since my youth, were not default mode for most people. So it seems that my agreeing to hang out with him had been misunderstood as whatever he thought it was (but was not)!
I have not spoken with him since he hurled insulting remarks at me. Attempts from him to reconnect have been foiled by this now wiser woman. I'm guessing he will never change, anyway.
Have I found the friend I was seeking? Wala pa rin. But looking at my list once again, I thought to myself, "Kaya namang gawin lahat ito ng asawa ko ah. Ba't ba ako naghahanap pa ng ibang kaibigan? But then again, after sharing this realization with some people, we came to the conclusion that ... Iba pa rin ang asawa sa kaibigan!
And so the search continues ...
I have had friends from all ages, beliefs, and walks of life. Some of my friendships had been formed only because I chose to ignore some unwritten societal rules. I am grateful for friends who have been in my life since forever. I have grieved over but have recovered from some who have chosen to leave without a word. At my age, I thought having a constant, ever-by-my-side friend shouldn't matter anymore because one learns to be self-sufficient for most needs, even emotional ones.
But then I realized that I missed having someone listen to my insane ideas and not think of them as potential material for the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of DIsorders (DSM). When I felt all ugly inside and wanted to draw blood, I realized how hard it was to to thrash the enemy all by myself. But mostly, I just wanted someone to hang out with so we could banter over "wala lang" matters.
With that aura encircling me, someone from long ago resurfaced in my life. Way back when I was young and innocent, he thought there could be a romantic possibility between the two us. As far as I was concerned, that possibility could only be described as remote. He had made his presence felt a few times in the last few years and it was always in the guise of renewing friendships. Although reminiscing about his feelings in the past occupied much of what he talked about on occasions that we met, my need for someone to fulfill the criteria above seemed louder than the ringing of warning bells. I quelled my reluctance by constantly reminding him about the grounds on which this relationship stood.
Assured that the terms of our friendship were well understood, I lost all qualms about hanging out with him a couple of times. But this proved to be one more life-changing mistake for me. What for me was just an innocent (see, there's still that word!) coffee chit-chat after a stressful day looked like a signal for him to venture once again beyond friendship. This I realized after getting into a heated discussion with him over his frank declarations of affection and attempts to display this. He was upset that I would not respect his feelings for me and could not understand why I thought they had no place in our so-called friendship .
It was hard to accept that I had been naive to believe that the rules I lived by could not be appreciated by all. Close, heterosexual friendships, while a significant part of me since my youth, were not default mode for most people. So it seems that my agreeing to hang out with him had been misunderstood as whatever he thought it was (but was not)!
I have not spoken with him since he hurled insulting remarks at me. Attempts from him to reconnect have been foiled by this now wiser woman. I'm guessing he will never change, anyway.
Have I found the friend I was seeking? Wala pa rin. But looking at my list once again, I thought to myself, "Kaya namang gawin lahat ito ng asawa ko ah. Ba't ba ako naghahanap pa ng ibang kaibigan? But then again, after sharing this realization with some people, we came to the conclusion that ... Iba pa rin ang asawa sa kaibigan!
And so the search continues ...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Angels walk amongst us
Didn't think so until yesterday morning.
That day, I finally found the the time to go to the National Kidney and Transplant Institute (NKTI) to have a mammogram done. Because I have postponed doing this for so long, I rushed to the hospital, mindless of the fact that I might not have enough money to pay for the medical procedure. This unfortunate situation, I realized only when I saw the ATM machine by the entrance of the hospital. But the anxious moment lasted only for a second because I thought I could always withdraw some money later.
So after having my request processed, I proceeded to the machine only to find out it was off-line. The guard advised me to go to the Lung Canter in the adjacent building as there was another ATM machine there. It was quite a walk but I didn't mind just so I could have the mammogram that hour. To my horror, it was also off-line! So feeling so helpless but not hopeless, I went back to NKTI to check if they accepted credit card payments. No, cash basis only! So it was back to the reception area to inform them I was pulling out my request and would come back another time because I couldn't withdraw any money from the ATM machines to pay for the procedure.
A lady lining up in the next window heard my predicament and offered to lend me the money. I was so surprised that I could only say it was a big amount of money. She answered by asking if I needed a thousand or two? Flabbergasted, I asked her if she was sure because she didn't know me at all. She said she was sure as she knew exactly what I was going through having had a similar experience before. Embarrassment must have radiated from my every pore but practical me decided to accept her offer. She handed me P1,000 without any fanfare much to the amusement of the lady handling my papers. When I was at the cashier, she even asked me if the money she gave me was enough. We exchanged names and numbers and that was that! I still couldn't believe this was happening to me.
While waiting for my turn, I espied her seated by the Ultrasound section so I handed over the P500 I had in my wallet and told her I would pay the other P500 soon. While thanking her profusely for trusting me, I was called by the nurse for my procedure so I never got around to ask her how I would pay for the remaining amount.
It was only later in the evening that she replied to my text messages. We made arrangements on how I would get the money to her but more important than that we also got to talk a while on our landline phones exchanging details about our lives.
In the midst of grayness in my life the past few weeks, she was a golden moment. She was a streak of color I needed to help make the feeling of desolation fade away. In her text message, she said she found a new friend. Yes, I did too and she was no less than in the person of an earth-bound Angel. Thank you so much, Jojie N. !
That day, I finally found the the time to go to the National Kidney and Transplant Institute (NKTI) to have a mammogram done. Because I have postponed doing this for so long, I rushed to the hospital, mindless of the fact that I might not have enough money to pay for the medical procedure. This unfortunate situation, I realized only when I saw the ATM machine by the entrance of the hospital. But the anxious moment lasted only for a second because I thought I could always withdraw some money later.
So after having my request processed, I proceeded to the machine only to find out it was off-line. The guard advised me to go to the Lung Canter in the adjacent building as there was another ATM machine there. It was quite a walk but I didn't mind just so I could have the mammogram that hour. To my horror, it was also off-line! So feeling so helpless but not hopeless, I went back to NKTI to check if they accepted credit card payments. No, cash basis only! So it was back to the reception area to inform them I was pulling out my request and would come back another time because I couldn't withdraw any money from the ATM machines to pay for the procedure.
A lady lining up in the next window heard my predicament and offered to lend me the money. I was so surprised that I could only say it was a big amount of money. She answered by asking if I needed a thousand or two? Flabbergasted, I asked her if she was sure because she didn't know me at all. She said she was sure as she knew exactly what I was going through having had a similar experience before. Embarrassment must have radiated from my every pore but practical me decided to accept her offer. She handed me P1,000 without any fanfare much to the amusement of the lady handling my papers. When I was at the cashier, she even asked me if the money she gave me was enough. We exchanged names and numbers and that was that! I still couldn't believe this was happening to me.
While waiting for my turn, I espied her seated by the Ultrasound section so I handed over the P500 I had in my wallet and told her I would pay the other P500 soon. While thanking her profusely for trusting me, I was called by the nurse for my procedure so I never got around to ask her how I would pay for the remaining amount.
It was only later in the evening that she replied to my text messages. We made arrangements on how I would get the money to her but more important than that we also got to talk a while on our landline phones exchanging details about our lives.
In the midst of grayness in my life the past few weeks, she was a golden moment. She was a streak of color I needed to help make the feeling of desolation fade away. In her text message, she said she found a new friend. Yes, I did too and she was no less than in the person of an earth-bound Angel. Thank you so much, Jojie N. !
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Steve from Melbourne
Powie's foster father during the "Days in the Diocese" part of World Youth Day 2008 was in town for a few days. Broke bread with him a couple of times. He was also able to hear mass at HFP and meet our parish priest (who was also with Powie during WYD).
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
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