Still incomplete

      For my sister, Ling, who always provides me the biggest pieces in this evolving thing...

Many of us through life looking for that single, perfect person who will make us happy, make us whole. We go around looking vulnerable, showing the gaping hole in our hearts, thinking that someone special out there has the power to stop the bleeding. Maybe it will be a guru who will provide all the answers to our life questions. Or a soul-mate who will always be in sync with our thoughts and will rejoice in our shared idiosyncracies. Or the love of one's life who will feed our desires and provide the reasons for bliss and contentment. And of course, many of us, if not all, end up disappointed in this impossible quest.

In my fading years, I can say with utmost certainty that we can never rely on any one person to make us complete. Aside from holes in our heart and spirit which call for mending, parts of us were never with us to begin with.  I think that one purpose of life is to find those missing pieces in our family, our friends, and maybe that one great love. Those who love us unconditionally, those who reject us, and those who can no longer be part of our lives - all of them have given us something to make us whole. The search for completion goes on all throughout our lives. The journey ends only when we, and no one else, decide that we are done.

Romancing my Id

   As I get older, it seems that getting friendly with my Id has become less dangerous. It is not as threatening to my Ego as it used to be.I've noticed that not only am I less fearful about speaking my mind, I've also allowed my mind to speak in not so wholesome ways.

     I've allowed wicked thoughts to slip through the sturdy and unyielding barriers of yesteryears. For example, when I see people with very unattractive physical features, I think about descriptions that are definitely politically incorrect. People who fail to meet my expectations are berated with sometimes unkind words (silently, of course!) And... ehem, when I see very attractive men of every age, I imagine possible dalliances (Joke lang, T!) Then there's my ever-increasing temptation to butt in when overhearing conversations of strangers. I just have this need to correct errors, offer answers to their questions, and oh, just say anything to "enrich" what is going on!

     Yesterday, I stunned people in a fastfood after I told a distracted food server to pay attention to me. Everyone turned to my direction when I said that and I actually did not even feel embarrassed. With my sweetest smile, I explained that because he was multi-tasking while taking my order, he was getting it all wrong. I apologized, of course, saying that I was a teacher and thus, used to telling young people what to do. I told him the lesson from this was "Focus, focus, focus!" Good thing the young chap never erased that smile on his face all throughout the little scene we had!

      So I thought, "Ayan na, talagang nag take-over na ang Id ko." But then again, Freud whispered to me that I might be wrong on that. That last incident? OMG, that was probably my Superego still saying who's Boss!

       And so it seems my dear Id, while you may have found a comfortable, little spot in my thoughts and imagination, it may still be a while before you see regular action in my life!