The sky is crying for me

Do not be fooled
By the facade of strength
and Zen calmness

Inside me dwells
A well of grief
For things that couldn't be
And for someone
I will never again see.

Rain is pouring, steady, strong
Then it stops, only to come back again
And again...and again
Challenging my child-like faith
That the sun would light her way Home.

But no, the sky is in mourning too

Shedding the tears

That I do not care to show

Slowly washing away

Regrets and resentments

Till they be no more

 

The garden she loved is green

The leaves glisten

The flowers are in bloom

They have been watered

By memories of one who loved us

Above all.

 

I am at peace.

For Mama (December 12, 1922 - June 11, 2009)
 

I Am My Father's Daughter... My Mother's, Too

My nightly ritual with Mama of praying the rosary while she is asleep in ICU doesn't become easier with each day. Somehow, before the rosary is finished my voice breaks and tears fall. I control the breaking of my voice because I don't want Mama to hear the despair arising from it. I don't want anyone else to see this moment of weakness.

I have learned to control the demonstration of my emotions. At times, you can even say I am stoic. This, I learned from Papa. I thought it was the height of cool that one could stay calm and collected in the face of a crisis. When Mama would be in hysterics, he would be seemingly detached from it all. He would just look as if there was nothing happening that was out of the ordinary. He would almost always send me to fix things up. I would of course do it but with much resistance and resentment. I wondered why I had to be the one to calm her down and soothe her nerves just as I also pondered why Mama had to resort to histrionics to make her point in their countless arguments.

So I strove NOT to be like her. During any crises, I could be counted upon to be unfeeling and therefore could think through a tense situation. Even if deep inside me, my nerves were in a turmoil, I was not one to make this known. I try to maintain that poise no matter what (even during childbirth labor pains, I've been told)!

But twice in my adult life, when getting caught in their fights had proven to be too much, to my horror I have acted out like Mama. I have surprised myself by screaming and crying with all of my being. I have always regretted my behavior on these two occasions but looking back, I excuse myself by saying that Mama and Papa got what they deserved. I was just replaying events to which they subjected me on a regular basis from childhood till my middle adulthood. (I would only get a respite from the fights when they ceased during their years of infirmity.)

Can we escape from having the images and our reactions to them being implanted during our childhood? Can we choose whom we want to become but inevitably play out hurtful scenes once again even when we don't want to?

Am I more my father's daughter? Or my mother's? Hmmmm... Both, I guess but Neither, too.
I am complicated, befuddled, but always trying to be no one but ME! 

Saturday, 6 June 2009
Outside the ICU

8 Things I Learned in UP

 Simula na naman ang klase sa June 9 kung kaya't naghahanda na naman ako ng mga materyales. Ano nga ba't itong mga sumusunod ang aking nakita. Hindi ko na matandaan kung alin ang galing sa isang text message at alin ang aking isinulat (Palagay ko yung huli ang sa akin!). Pero magandang silang paalaala sa haharapin ulit ng mga estudyante sa pagbukas ng bagong semestre. Good luck sa ating lahat!

1. Suggested readings are MANDATORY
2. You can know everything, yet still fail an exam.
3. All your classmates are brilliant. Others just aren't studying.
4. Teachers are impressed with no one.
5. Your best efforts could still get a 5.0
6. Every class is like a thesis defense. It's not enough that you understand, you have to know how to explain it as well.
7. Seatworks natin, finals sa ibang school!
8. Ang yabang natin!

Alay sa UP Freshmen 2009

Address for CSSP Freshmen Survival Handbook

  

Huminga ng malalim

Namnamin, naiibang simoy ng hangin

Na malayang umiihip sa Diliman

Pangarap, inasam-asam, narito na ang kagampanan.

Laging makakasama,

Amoy ng mga pauli-ulit na ulam sa CASAA,

Monay,camote-Q, turon, at carioca

Malalanghap, usok ng IKOT at TOKI jeep

Kahalo ng mga hininga

Ng sa paglakad at pagtakbo sa Academic Oval, 

Kalusuga’t pagpayat iniaasa.

Pagmasdan ang luntiang kapaligiran,

Matatayog na mga gusali, bago at luma

Tandaan mabuti ang mga bagong mukha

Abangan, mga palabas sa teatro at lansangan

Imulat ang mga mata sa lantad na katotohanan

Dito tayo sa UP, nirerespeto ang kaibhan.

Pakinggan nang mabuti

Tunog ng kampanang umaawit, halakhak sa mga tambayan

Mga sigaw ng protesta, mga bulungan ng nag-iibigan

Mga boses na gagabay sa inyong mga unang hakbang

Mga tuntunin at payo, huwag kalimutan

Mga balita ng mga guro at kolehiyo,inyong abangan.

Yakapin ang mga karanasan

Hatid ng inyong pagbaybay sa di-patag na daan

Matuto mula sa mga kamalian

Ipagbunyi ang mga suliraning pagtatagumpayan!

Pagbating mainit aming alay

Pangakong maingat na pagsubaybay

Habang hinuhubog, inyong mga diwa’t isipan  

Upang maisapuso, paglilingkod sa Sangkatauhan

Kayong hinirang na mga bagong Iskolar ng Bayan!

Vertigo

Lightheaded
In the supermarket
Is it vertigo again
From looking up and down
The aisles and rows of goods
To feed my hungry family?

Or dizzy
Over the overwhelming  circumstances
Of Mama's sickness and hospital bills?
Out of my reach
Beyond my control

Or just bone tired
And sleep deprived?
Shuttling from job to job
101 to Psych to Home...
To St. Luke's to Church to PETA
Wanting to do it all
Because I have to do it all

I need to stop and sit
Close my eyes
Rest my mind
Catch my breath

To reclaim Me
Even if only for a moment.
Better yet
Until the spinning is no more.

Odds & Ends 2009

Powie's Creative Musical Theater recital @ PETA

The year in pictures... Work in progress

YouTube - Mi Mancherai - Josh Groban